What can parents do to address loneliness in schools

Author: Wang Kui

When it comes to loneliness, people often think of the elderly. However, loneliness does not only belong to the elderly; it is also prevalent in the middle school environment. If we simply define loneliness as "the absence of people around," then adolescents should not feel lonely — they are surrounded by peers from morning study sessions to evening classes. However, the experience of loneliness depends not just on the quantity of social interactions, but on the quality of those interactions. When the depth of social relationships falls short of one's inner expectations, loneliness quietly takes root. As an adult, you may have experienced moments like this: sitting around a large round table, in a lively atmosphere, yet still feeling lonely. This moment might help you understand the situation faced by teenagers.

The loneliness of adolescents arises from multiple factors, influenced both by the objective environment and by the subtle effects of their subjective psychology.

Firstly, the excessively competitive academic environment makes them feel both anxious and lonely. Schools inevitably emphasize grades, but when this emphasis goes to extremes, learning turns into a naked ranking competition. Scores and rankings are treated as "hard currency," becoming the only measure of self-worth. This atmosphere fosters a widespread sense of loneliness: children with low scores cannot see their value, while those with high scores constantly worry about whether their "advantage" can last. Classmates, even good friends, gradually turn into potential rivals, secretly competing against each other, which transforms what should be a supportive youth into an experience of estrangement and solitude.

Moreover, magnifying one’s own shortcomings and viewing perfection as the "norm" also hinders teenagers' social interactions. Adolescence is often the most sensitive period for a person, during which their self-evaluation is typically at its lowest. They struggle to recognize their own worth. Once they discover their flaws and shortcomings, they tend to fixate on them, endlessly magnifying these issues in their minds and even fearing that they will become laughingstocks. They have a tendency to view the world in black-and-white terms; just one imperfection signifies complete failure. This mindset of seeing perfection as the "norm" leads to self-denial and the belief that others will not accept them, which in turn makes them hesitant to reach out to others.

Thirdly, the awakening of self-awareness during adolescence can easily intensify conflicts with parents. As children enter puberty, their most important task is to explore "who am I." In this process, they become more concerned with the opinions of their peers, naturally diminishing the influence of their parents. Adolescents desire to take control of their own lives, while some parents are reluctant to gradually step back, attempting to pull their children back onto their original path. This struggle inevitably leads to conflict. At the same time, teenagers often scrutinize their parents by "perfect" standards, discovering that their parents fall short in various aspects. Such a "mutual disdain" situation can easily trigger parent-child discord. Adolescents who feel misunderstood and unsupported by their parents are also more likely to experience feelings of loneliness.

Ultimately, students lack the time for socializing and miss out on authentic face-to-face interactions. The lives of contemporary middle school students are filled with heavy academic pressures, making it difficult to ensure even eight hours of sleep. Most of their time and energy are devoted to studying, and the little leisure time they have is often consumed by electronic screens. In the past, teenagers would gather in groups after school, playing and laughing together as they made their way home, allowing their emotions to be released through these natural interactions. Today, however, many teenagers are picked up or dropped off by their parents, and even when they walk together, they often have their heads down, focused on their phone screens. The lack of face-to-face interactions means fewer opportunities to learn how to handle interpersonal relationships, making it easier for teenagers to feel frustrated in social situations and thus "actively" choose a more isolated lifestyle. At first glance, it seems that phones provide convenient social channels, but numerous studies have shown that the more one uses social media, the more likely they are to feel lonely. Teenagers not only have fewer playmates but also lose the ability to form deep connections in the real world—an ability that should be the strongest defense against the loneliness of adolescence.

For parents with teenagers, posture is particularly important. It is essential to consciously step back and understand what actions to take and what to refrain from. If parents can demonstrate an attitude of equality, respect, and understanding, teenagers will feel that they are treated like "adults." When it comes to disciplining, it is crucial to avoid raising your voice or resorting to blame and insults. First, calm yourself down and sit down to talk with your child, allowing them to express themselves without interruption, patiently listening, and then calmly sharing your thoughts. This approach is not about being submissive; rather, it sets an example for the child, teaching them how to respect others.

Learning has become a significant source of stress in the lives of teenagers, and for most children, this pressure is already quite heavy, making it unnecessary for parents to add more. When communicating with children, it's best to avoid constantly circling around the topic of "studies" and not to overly question their grades. Otherwise, parents will quickly find that their children are unwilling to engage in further conversation. If time permits, consider taking them outdoors for a walk. The impact of smartphones on teenagers is a topic worth exploring in depth. It is notable that Australia has restricted social media use for minors under 16. This practice may potentially be adopted by more countries in the future. Additionally, it is important to support them in interacting face-to-face with their peers, encouraging mutual support among classmates and friends.

Parents should also help teenagers discover their strengths and not hesitate to express their appreciation. One insight from counseling with adolescents is that if parents cannot identify their child's strengths, the teenagers are likely to have a negative attitude towards themselves. When they cannot find their self-worth, they inevitably fall into self-doubt and become mired in "internal struggles."

(The author holds a PhD in psychology, is a researcher at the China Association for Science and Technology, and a Level 2 psychological counselor; he works at the Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences.)